She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize