I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
