he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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