made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
