There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
