I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
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