This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
