I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
