i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
