He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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