It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I supernannyed him into submission
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
