Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
