I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
