i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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