How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize