Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
ok first of all what the fuck
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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