grandma shit on top of the toilet
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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