Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
