I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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