Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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