Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
