nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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