i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
dude. I can hear the air.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
