I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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