oh god the rape fog is back!
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
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