you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
