now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
