2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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