he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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