The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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