omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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