Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
