she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
