Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
