Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she pinky promised me she was 18
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
