i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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