I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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