You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
