It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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