Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
