conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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