I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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