Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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