I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
