Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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