you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
