and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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