Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
