you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
