I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
