dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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