You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
