I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Alive.
So much puke
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
