From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize