My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
