What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it was like eating out sand paper
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
